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Castles in the Sky

Magic.

We’re taught from a young age through stories, music, and movies that if our love isn’t magical, it’s not worth having.  It colours our view of romance, relationships and marriages. Magic love glosses over thickly how much work and effort it takes to maintain romance and relationships. This ideal world doesn’t exist and we feel like failures when our fairy-tale doesn’t come true.

There is a disconnect between reality and day-dreams, and I know I for one, have a hard time reconciling between my expectations (thank you, country music and Disney) and what real humans can offer in love. Like many single people, I have a list of qualities I want in a relationship. There are standard, common-sense type qualities but there are others, much more specific and unique. I want my partner to not only treat me with respect but I want them to share my love of adventure and large dogs. I want to build my relationship with road trips and picnics but also rainy days and tea, with trust and respect but also a good debate once in a while. I want to make my partner feel wanted, loved, included and special and I want him to do the same with me.

I know that having a relationship is sometimes unfulfilling, leaving one feel lonely and neglected. I know having a relationship doesn’t magically make you whole, or shouldn’t, at any rate. A relationship should be the icing to your cake, to quote a good friend of mine.  I understand a relationship takes time, dedication, passion, respect and a willingness to put each other as a priority. Honestly, I think a relationship should enhance your quality of life, not dictate it.

That’s what I want and that’s what I’m seeking. A partner in crime, a steady hand to hold, someone to laugh with until our sides ache, a travel companion, a second opinion, someone to admire and trust; all this plus romance. I want the mess, entanglements, baggage, love, adventure, experiences and kisses at the start and end of my days. I want to be all these and more for someone (thank you, country music and Disney). But I need to find a way to toe the lines between reality and castles in the sky without losing any of my spirit, or diminishing the love I have to give.  How that is going to work out raises a lot of questions but I think I’m starting something good. Hopefully it works out so we’re both happy, whatever that happiness looks like.

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Love, part one.

I have found a modern poet that I really quite enjoy. He writes beautiful words that say exactly what my heart yearns for.  What I want to express but somehow can’t quite find the words. This is the first is a five part series which he released this week. I encourage you to visit his website www.tylerknott.com and read some of his words. They are really wonderful.

 

tylerknott.com

tylerknott.com

Falling Drops

The smell of rain, earthy and damp
rises from the ground though soaked with melted snowPromising an end to a winter that has long outstayed it’s welcome.

Tapping on my windshield and rooftop, tapping
and splashing up to rinse the months of dust and grime off
not just vehicles, but trees, sidewalks and grass. Brightening dead yellows to hopeful greens again.

Negative ions surround falling water bringing a peace to your unsettled mind,
the pattern of falling raindrops is easy to lose yourself in – they call in their silent ways
for you to pause. watch, breathe deeply. and sigh contentedly.

Bittersweet

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J and I have … I guess you can say we have been dating for a few months now. We have gone on dates at least once a week since January. We have kissed, even. It’s been very interesting and I have really loved having someone new in my life, and the romantic interest doesn’t hurt either.

We are fundamentally different. While opposites may attract, there is a need for at least something to build a foundation on. I have a very strong sense of self. I have very strong opinions about a lot of things and many more I’m curious about and have a cautious stance regarding. J has…. no strong opinions about anything, really. He doesn’t even have a favourite colour because he doesn’t want to miss out on anything.

I want to get married. I feel marriage is a fundamental part of life and I will somehow fail at life if I don’t get married before a certain age. This is my personal feelings about marriage and I understand it’s not for everyone, and some couples have marriages fraught with troubles, and I don’t pass my worthless judgement on them.  Deep down, at my soul’s centre, I want to be married. For many reasons which I won’t get into but the biggest part is having someone else to support me through life – to celebrate with me, grieve with me and share with me, and I along with them.

J claims to be polygamous. Though J has these poly relationships and then somehow always ends up monogamous with one partner. Which bothers me more than the polygamy. If you’re going to spread your love around like room-temperature peanut butter, go for it. But don’t stop spreading the peanut butter around, you need more than one piece of bread for a picnic.

I do quite like J, for his quirks and openness and ability to stay sunny when I tend to run to cloudy days. We share a love of adventure and appreciate small gestures. J has a lot of potential if he could develop his sense of self. Which is why he is in a self-imposed no relationship zone to figure out some of his opinions. Bittersweetly, we part as lovers to remain friends. I can only be cautiously neutral about a finite list of topics.

A Year of Adventure

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We’re already well into 2014, but I decided around mid-January that I needed to stop letting the days slip by, filling my hours with work, sleep, netflix and yarn.  Because I netflix and crochet or knit endlessly. I love making things, and I love learning new skills and techniques to improve those skills, but I can make beautiful things my whole life. What I can’t do my whole life is get a second shot to relive the days I let pass by.

So I decided I would get out more. Do things I want to do but never make the time for, or feel like it’s something I should be doing.

I started by reconnecting with someone I really enjoyed meeting last spring. We’re not dating, and we’re not in a relationship, but we get together and enjoy each others company while doing something. We’ve started having lunches together on my days off, and we’ve made a semi-habit of movie nights. We started with a few movies that the other hadn’t seen, but needed to see to maintain a friendship and understand half of our references and jokes.

We went skating at the Olympic park downtown (where we nearly froze it was so cold outside), we went to an art exhibit opening (so lovely, talked to the artist for quite some time). He sort of invited me to a Slow Dance Party, and I ended up stealing most of the dances anyway. I really enjoy being with him and maybe when the timing is better we might have a relationship but for right now, our friendship is wonderful.

I’m planning two big trips this year, and I could not be more excited about it. June is Vegas – Los Angeles – San Fransisco. Grand Canyon and shopping, Hollywood and Disneyland, exploration and soaking up the culture.

Because I still get homesick, I went to Vancouver in January and to Victoria for the day for my birthday to see my family. I also spent the morning catching up with an old friend which was much needed and so great to see him again. We ended up having dinner with his family, which was also great because I love his family. They’re my adopted family in my heart.

Breaking my solitary habits is pretty hard though I’m pushing myself to get out more. I joined a “meet up” club, and actually went to my first event – pub trivia. We placed 13/19 teams with a score of 53/100. We did pretty okay! I’d love to go again.
Now I just need to go to a few more events and make some friends.

So far, I am pleased with the start of my year of adventure. I am looking forward to seeing what troubles I can get myself into and how I can really enjoy my life. Letting it just slip by is a shame and a waste; I refuse to get old without living a little.

Doldrums

I feel trapped by my job.

I shouldn’t – I am too young to let work control my life, I should make the most of my days, rah rah rah!

However, I work shift work. I know my days off well in advance and I know my schedule three weeks out. So I can plan for things.

Except I can’t.

I can’t sign up for a 6 week art course because we went from having only certain hours we could be scheduled for at work to being “open” and having “preferences” that don’t always fall into what you want (or need) to fit your life.  And yes, we can trade shifts but sometimes it is like peeling someone’s fingernails off to try to get a trade (as in it ain’t happening).

I can’t sign up for a running group because if I take the 6am group, I might be working until 11:30pm, or later. And I don’t know if you’ve ever seen me in the morning, but I tend me be more dragon than lady.

Okay, yes, fine. I could sign up for courses and beg and plead and even bribe people to trade me shifts, but I feel like I should be able to have a general schedule and plan my life around that. I could just have a nap after my run. But I feel like I shouldn’t have to sign up for something with the disclaimer of “I can only make 3 of the 8 sessions” or however many of the set.

Luckily, some variety has been introduced in my work day – I’ve been accepted to a special project in Guest Relations. MAN are there some entitled people out there. I realize you’ve paid for your flight, and made arrangements but did you not think of any sort of contingency plan for travel over the holiday season in CANADA? Where we have WINTER? Like, snow and ice, fog and freezing rain? Things that make flying potentially unsafe? Sorry your TV flickered while you were hurtling through the atmosphere at hundreds of miles an hour, traversing thousands of miles in only a few hours. Do you know how long it takes to drive from Toronto to Miami? WEEKS. It takes WEEKS. You’re whining that you got there in 7 hours instead of your planned 5? UGH.

 

Some people.

Now, I know we have a lot of complaints and really, as sarcastic as I am when I read them and scoff out loud to my computer screen, I do understand these guests are upset with a service they paid for. I send them a lovely little reply and sometimes a credit if it’s warranted. I really do love the variety of feedback we get from a simple submission of “good” to a five page novella about the flight experience. Guests submitting Kudos to our agents, other guests who rip us a new one because we had the audacity to cancel a flight because a bird went through the engine and caused some very serious mechanical problems….  (For the record, birds and jet engines are not compatible.)

But I look at my schedule and it’s all over the place. I go from a week (glorious week) of 10-6:30 starts. The next week ranges from 6:15am to 2:30pm starts. How am I supposed to make a life for myself when I can barely adhere to a sleep schedule?

 

TL;DR

Whine whine whine.

 

Obligatory January Post

2013 was lackluster, to be frank.

I spent a weekend in Mexico, I tried several times to earn myself a promotion, I was invited to a workshop to enhance my work skills, my brother got married, I got to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family. I was evacuated for 41 days, and slept on a couch for 42 days. I lost a precious-to-me heirloom that I’ll never see again.

I went on a few dates, most boring or interesting but I did not hold enough appeal to warrant a second date. I stood firm in my resolve to not just hook up with boys; one transgression in a year is pretty good. (Resort flings are not as glamourous as the novels tell you.)

My wanderlust nags at the middle of my mind all the time. It’s not quite screaming but it’s not whispering, either. Plans to go afar for my birthday have been cancelled and a possible spring trip may take its place.

I feel stuck, caged in. I know I am in a rut and feel trapped but I have no idea how to make changes stick. Getting into the habit of brushing my teeth twice a day has been a six-month experiment that’s had several weeks of forgetting to brush at night. How the hell am I going to find the willpower to make other changes?

Friends in this city are scarce. The ones I have are absolutely fantastic, the three ladies I can always count on. E, A, and Y are the most wonderful young ladies that I am thrilled to be friends with.  My friends back home…. there is a distance. Admittedly, I am not the greatest at staying in touch, but I do make an effort to converse with and stay in their loops. Feels to me like many of them said their goodbyes when I moved in 2012. Going to camps leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth as the people I thought were at least my “camp friends” barely have time to say hi anymore.  (I think I have crashed my last moot.)

Resolutions tend to set us up for failure so I’m not setting any this year. I will continue to work on my reading list and life list – suggestions for life list always welcome; I have enough books on my list!  Some of these things I won’t be able to complete this year, but I can do others and I will.

2013 was a dull grey with a few bright patches.
Bring it on, 2014. I want a life with more sparkle.