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My eyes still shine, brightly like the summer’s sunshine refracting in a clear pool
They shine with expectations, they shine for adventures; never knowing the hurt that is coming their way.
Shining through tears, through the inevitable heartache that comes with the tentative first euphoria.

Clear blues reflect the skies, cheerful when my heart is blackened and charred; destruction ravages like Kristallnacht, they lie to the outside and none can tell the difference. They shine when my heart blooms, as mum’s gardens in full bloom colourful and lively, exhibiting unstoppable energy within

My eyes will still shine on moonlit nights, on black velvet nights without stars; they will shine when age has dulled my light when Time has stripped me of my loves and deny to the world the depth of my sorrow as they shine on, shining brightly as the tears trail. They will shine on as on sunny days of my young days



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It’s been a few days, internet!

Don’t worry – it wasn’t because I didn’t love you anymore. I’ve been busy. Got the chance to surrender a shift at work (which I will probably regret next week on payday but my mental health justified that immensely.) and so I went to the island! I called my parents bright and early and said I could come out and made plans with a friend from work to spend some time in Vic and off I went to the airport. Got to surprise some family members, and it was good to see my parents again. I do miss them (Happy Birthday mum!).

Going to the island was exactly what I needed. I got to talk to some people I really admire and respect which was lovely. The time in the sun and salt air cleared out my soul (God, I sound like a hippy. It’s the island spirit, you can’t escape it) and my mind feels refocused. Even though we didn’t spend any time right down by the water, it was still fantastic and because my friend picked up the guy at the place we got lunch, we got a campfire, too.

Started to move today. Went for a final walk through and got the key to the new place. New landlord and I chatted for like, 2 hours. I like her, she seems like a solid person. And her dog is pretty awesome. Bo and I will have a lot of fun together. Very excited to have my work station away from my bed; I think that is what I am most looking forward to. That and seeing the stars way more often. I’ve missed the night skies living in the city. Like the song goes, I need wide open spaces sometimes and looking at the stars helps ground me and reconnect me to the earth and life.

Also booked my flight to Dublin and my accommodation for the overnight before my trip back to Canada. Flight is at 8:20, have to be at airport for 6:30, that’s an early morning that doesn’t need to be made worse by a midnight train and 4 hr nap on the airport floor. Booking this flight has really made me wish there were better schedules from Canada to the UK. They haven’t changed since the last time I went to the UK. Still landing at the crack of dawn and losing a whole day to travel. Oh well. I’m not paying very much for this travel so I think I should complain less and count my blessings.

On that note, I am going to go count a few blessings and reflect on all the good things in my life. New chapters shouldn’t be steeped in negativity and the clutches of the past. I am looking forward to what’s next and looking forward to continuing my adventures.

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When push comes to shove is when we discover more about ourselves – what we are capable of and where we’ve grown and still need to grow.  I guess this is a never ending process and I suppose there isn’t anything I couldn’t do; just a bunch of things I’d really prefer not to do.

With this new beginning I am going to try to keep being a good person and be more active about it. I’m going to find some community groups that need a hand and help out – now that my work schedule is “normal people hours”, I really don’t have an excuse. If I’m going to call out someone else’s poor behaviour I really need to be able to defend my own behaviours.

Regardless, I have missed being active in my community and I am looking forward to moving to a new community that feels a lot closer to home, even though it’s another 30k east of home… And who knows – maybe I’ll make some friends with like-minded individuals out there and when I earn my promotion I might even settle in on a more permanent place.

I am also very excited about my upcoming travels. There is a piece of my heart that hopes for dreams and wishes to come true; but I am pretty certain that those dreams and wishes are a mite lofty and won’t come true (at least this round). But hey – it’s been ten years and there is still a spark after being separated with such distance and time, who knows what will happen?

The point of blogging is like an online journal to me – I have been very lax in my writing lately and want to develop this skill. The only way to really develop any skill is to do it, and do it often. So, you’re getting treated to my ramblings and rants, mild insights and memories. While I don’t think I’ll ever write a book, perhaps I will write better short stories, which are mostly for my enjoyment. (Which I don’t really share, sorry guys.) There is a pleasure to writing; to making words from thoughts and working out my troubles and such “with pen and paper”, or more literally “keys and a screen”.

Princess Syndrome

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I assume I’m not alone in disliking confrontation. I avoid it. I actively avoid it in most cases though there are a few moments when I barrel forward into a conflict or confrontation because I am passionate about the topic or I believe whole-heartedly that I am right and they, they are not. Avoiding conflict has become part of my nature – it is easier to shrink away, to ignore, to not engage than it is to defend myself. Standing my ground is exhausting and I simply don’t have the energy of the righteous most of the time.

So I let bad behaviours in others affect my life. Allowing their fits of pique to just roll over the situation. Allowing their fear of critique to silence my words. Allowing their problems, their deep-rooted issues to fester and build, to enable their sense of superiority while not defending my castle. Well, defending it like houses in rural Australia vs the tarantula migration path do – open the doors and windows and just let them pass through. When someone is trying to cut me down, I keep my mouth shut. Not daring to speak and bring up the troubles I have with that person though there are plenty of grievances I have.

My faults are many, I never claimed to be perfect. Usually I’m pretty happy with my actions and try to be the best person I can be every day. Displaying kindness and generosity when I don’t feel like smiling or can’t afford to be generous but I give anyway. Trying to be selfless and a good human and not expecting anything in return. Never asking for anything in return. Perhaps that will be my biggest downfall. I expect nothing so I will never be disappointed (But I keep my biggest disappointments to myself, hidden from the world around me).

My body betrays me when faced with confrontation. I can feel the colour draining from my cheeks and my heart starts racing. I feel shaky but my hands still look steady. My heartbeat doesn’t slow until minutes after the confrontation has passed but my breath still feels shallow for several more minutes past. Sometimes my words surprise me with how cutting they can be. I lash out when attacked, like most members of the animal kingdom. While I love a good argument I do still avoid them.

I am very tempted to behave badly. I am also tempted to end an enduring friendship. The reason for ending the friendship comes down to simply she is no longer the person I thought she was; I no longer feel respected by her and have lost much of the respect I have for her. I feel that she has drastically changed her person to suit someone else with no regard for the other people in her life.  Perhaps it really is time to just move on and try to remember the fun we had almost 10 years ago.  Because those times will not be repeating themselves anytime soon.

the world is very large and I, I very small.

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I still wonder where I stopped being curious and when I stopped jumping into puddles.

Faced with so many options of what to do, things to learn and where to go has made me retreat further into myself instead of broaden my horizons. I am overwhelmed with choice and rather risk failure I have shrank into safety. My friend J very much wants to help me expand and develop my personal growth but I don’t know where to start. Or what to do. Or where to go.

Earlier this year I declared 2014 to be a year of adventure. Unfortunately April did not present many opportunities for adventure and I am sad about it. I am hoping this month will allow me to get out of Calgary, even for a couple days.  I have recognized a need within myself to get more active. When I sink into lows I gain weight which makes me frustrated and unhappy and feeds a vicious negative cycle. While I have started to walk much more often and going longer distances it’s still so easy for me to slip out of that habit. And then I gain weight, get frustrated and unhappy and don’t wanna walk because going out in public means there are opportunities for others’ to judge.  I /know/ other people are far too busy and occupied with their own worlds to be bothered to think about me very much. I hate how much pressure I subject myself to.

I think I need to start with something small and fun. Something I’m interested in doing. Something active and unassuming. Maybe I’ll finally learn the two-step like a real country girl.

Break the bars of my mind that inhibit my curiosity and quest for knowledge, my desire to jump off things, into puddles, off the edge of the abyss. This is a slow process but I long for a more fulfilled life; the time has come to stop whinging on about it and actually start doing it.

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The hardest part of growing up is not only that it is a never-ending progression but learning to shoulder your disappointments.

Apparently it’s frowned upon at the age of 27 to throw tantrums when life doesn’t play nicely with our plans. Nor can you cry in public without shame, or hold your breath until your mother forces you to breathe again. (I cried and yelled, I don’t know what other children did.)

So when faced with two pretty huge disappointments this week, I have shed three tears into my hoodie sleeve, all three unbidden and sneaky. My face still feels hot, like a blush that refuses to go away. I am sad, hurt and frustrated. I am deeply disappointed. I feel disheartened. There are a lot of questions circling around in my mind and I am hoping the answers will be found in a timely manner.

One of the worst experiences is a trusted person who promises one thing, generously with generous terms. Then, not quite two weeks later entirely renegotiates their promise and leaves you in the lurch. Given how much respect and care I have put into this relationship only to have it handed back like a slimy sea slug, with none of the same considerations, I am disheartened though unsurprised. Should have made the first move long ago but one falls into the habit of comfort. At least I won’t have cat hair all over everything forever in a few months.

So, I am on the hunt and trying to be the better person. Trying to find the silver linings and make the best of what’s come my way. Might have a self-pity party if I stumble, but we chose our reactions. My choice is to not wallow and be negative – it’s the easy choice and I fall too easily into self-pity and want validation of my negative reactions. Though the harder choice, it will be more rewarding to see this as a positive situation, something to look forward to.

Maybe I’ll even get to decorate my new place with some souvenirs from the trip that I’m (HOPING to) taking with my new honey.

Castles in the Sky


We’re taught from a young age through stories, music, and movies that if our love isn’t magical, it’s not worth having.  It colours our view of romance, relationships and marriages. Magic love glosses over thickly how much work and effort it takes to maintain romance and relationships. This ideal world doesn’t exist and we feel like failures when our fairy-tale doesn’t come true.

There is a disconnect between reality and day-dreams, and I know I for one, have a hard time reconciling between my expectations (thank you, country music and Disney) and what real humans can offer in love. Like many single people, I have a list of qualities I want in a relationship. There are standard, common-sense type qualities but there are others, much more specific and unique. I want my partner to not only treat me with respect but I want them to share my love of adventure and large dogs. I want to build my relationship with road trips and picnics but also rainy days and tea, with trust and respect but also a good debate once in a while. I want to make my partner feel wanted, loved, included and special and I want him to do the same with me.

I know that having a relationship is sometimes unfulfilling, leaving one feel lonely and neglected. I know having a relationship doesn’t magically make you whole, or shouldn’t, at any rate. A relationship should be the icing to your cake, to quote a good friend of mine.  I understand a relationship takes time, dedication, passion, respect and a willingness to put each other as a priority. Honestly, I think a relationship should enhance your quality of life, not dictate it.

That’s what I want and that’s what I’m seeking. A partner in crime, a steady hand to hold, someone to laugh with until our sides ache, a travel companion, a second opinion, someone to admire and trust; all this plus romance. I want the mess, entanglements, baggage, love, adventure, experiences and kisses at the start and end of my days. I want to be all these and more for someone (thank you, country music and Disney). But I need to find a way to toe the lines between reality and castles in the sky without losing any of my spirit, or diminishing the love I have to give.  How that is going to work out raises a lot of questions but I think I’m starting something good. Hopefully it works out so we’re both happy, whatever that happiness looks like.