I assume I’m not alone in disliking confrontation. I avoid it. I actively avoid it in most cases though there are a few moments when I barrel forward into a conflict or confrontation because I am passionate about the topic or I believe whole-heartedly that I am right and they, they are not. Avoiding conflict has become part of my nature – it is easier to shrink away, to ignore, to not engage than it is to defend myself. Standing my ground is exhausting and I simply don’t have the energy of the righteous most of the time.
So I let bad behaviours in others affect my life. Allowing their fits of pique to just roll over the situation. Allowing their fear of critique to silence my words. Allowing their problems, their deep-rooted issues to fester and build, to enable their sense of superiority while not defending my castle. Well, defending it like houses in rural Australia vs the tarantula migration path do – open the doors and windows and just let them pass through. When someone is trying to cut me down, I keep my mouth shut. Not daring to speak and bring up the troubles I have with that person though there are plenty of grievances I have.
My faults are many, I never claimed to be perfect. Usually I’m pretty happy with my actions and try to be the best person I can be every day. Displaying kindness and generosity when I don’t feel like smiling or can’t afford to be generous but I give anyway. Trying to be selfless and a good human and not expecting anything in return. Never asking for anything in return. Perhaps that will be my biggest downfall. I expect nothing so I will never be disappointed (But I keep my biggest disappointments to myself, hidden from the world around me).
My body betrays me when faced with confrontation. I can feel the colour draining from my cheeks and my heart starts racing. I feel shaky but my hands still look steady. My heartbeat doesn’t slow until minutes after the confrontation has passed but my breath still feels shallow for several more minutes past. Sometimes my words surprise me with how cutting they can be. I lash out when attacked, like most members of the animal kingdom. While I love a good argument I do still avoid them.
I am very tempted to behave badly. I am also tempted to end an enduring friendship. The reason for ending the friendship comes down to simply she is no longer the person I thought she was; I no longer feel respected by her and have lost much of the respect I have for her. I feel that she has drastically changed her person to suit someone else with no regard for the other people in her life. Perhaps it really is time to just move on and try to remember the fun we had almost 10 years ago. Because those times will not be repeating themselves anytime soon.