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the world is very large and I, I very small.

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I still wonder where I stopped being curious and when I stopped jumping into puddles.

Faced with so many options of what to do, things to learn and where to go has made me retreat further into myself instead of broaden my horizons. I am overwhelmed with choice and rather risk failure I have shrank into safety. My friend J very much wants to help me expand and develop my personal growth but I don’t know where to start. Or what to do. Or where to go.

Earlier this year I declared 2014 to be a year of adventure. Unfortunately April did not present many opportunities for adventure and I am sad about it. I am hoping this month will allow me to get out of Calgary, even for a couple days.  I have recognized a need within myself to get more active. When I sink into lows I gain weight which makes me frustrated and unhappy and feeds a vicious negative cycle. While I have started to walk much more often and going longer distances it’s still so easy for me to slip out of that habit. And then I gain weight, get frustrated and unhappy and don’t wanna walk because going out in public means there are opportunities for others’ to judge.  I /know/ other people are far too busy and occupied with their own worlds to be bothered to think about me very much. I hate how much pressure I subject myself to.

I think I need to start with something small and fun. Something I’m interested in doing. Something active and unassuming. Maybe I’ll finally learn the two-step like a real country girl.

Break the bars of my mind that inhibit my curiosity and quest for knowledge, my desire to jump off things, into puddles, off the edge of the abyss. This is a slow process but I long for a more fulfilled life; the time has come to stop whinging on about it and actually start doing it.

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