RSS Feed

Monthly Archives: October 2013

The Lost Girl

Wandering through life, like Wonderland’s forest
The path changing and disappearing.
There are no maps in no-man’s land; your guess is as good as hers.

What do these paths hold?
Mad Queens, white rabbits, or the way home?
One path holds a tall, sturdy Oak
Another becomes a free
through the earth.

She’s scared to jump. Climb those rocks, it’s pure adrenaline getting you to the top.
Crushing indecision – The “what-if”‘s fly like leather-winged bats in her head.

Just a lost little girl, stuck at a crossroad. St Christopher around her neck; a comfort, never a noose.
No one can guide her now, her path is her own to pick.
How can you find home when it is no longer there to come home to?

Most of the time, I feel like I don’t have a lot of regrets. But then there are times when I wish I had done everything different.

I was who I was in high school mostly by conscious choice. I decided I would wear practical clothing over fashionable, and my forays into trying to be a girlie girl did not go over well – My household was not a place for skirts and dresses, nor was my active lifestyle (or the two dogs that shed like no tomorrow).
I decided that I wouldn’t drink or do drugs, even though I briefly flirted with both (once instance each until after high school). I decided that I would listen to the music I wanted to, watch the movies and TV I wanted to, even though none of my other friends watched the same things or really even listened to the same music.

I decided that I would be a responsible person. I did my chores (mostly. I know there were times when my parents and I had disagreements about when/how I did them…), I made dinner most nights, I held good grades and I took part in Scouts and Guides, played on sports teams and was active in other parts of the after-school curriculum.

I didn’t date, but I did flirt a lot with boys.
I kissed a lot of them, but didn’t let them go any farther then kisses until I was comfortable in doing so. It took me a long time to get to the point of trust and what I thought was love (It probably was, in hindsight) to sleep with one. And I don’t really regret that. It happened when it did, because I wanted it to, and I trusted him, I thought he felt the same way and I still remember the song that was playing. I remember what I was wearing that evening and how special he made me feel. I still remember him asking me “Are you sure? Are you ready? I don’t want to rush anything” more than once. I thought it was sweet.

Almost 10 years later, I’m still pretty responsible.

I’m still making dinner most nights, I take care of my bills, and I mostly take care of myself.  I’ve dated a few boys, I’m pretty good at not getting into situations I don’t want to be in – mostly by avoidance tactics.

I do have regrets though.

I regret not spending more weekends with my  school friends instead of camping all the time. I regret not knowing that I was actually pretty in high school. I regret not getting A’s and applying for more schools, like UBC or McGill. I regret not telling S how I really felt when I found out. I regret trying to hurt him and ending up hurting myself even more.
I regret cutting my hair so short. I miss my long hair. It’s not nearly as thick as it used to be.
I regret not taking advantage of the opportunities that I’ve missed. I regret not traveling. I regret not trying new things. I regret chasing a lot of boys who ended up not being worth it (at all. Ugh). I regret not knowing how to be in a relationship.

Changing the past isn’t an option, but I don’t think I would change anything if I could.

// Original post from 02SEP12. Update 07OCT13//

I have started to travel a little more through opportunities granted through work. I am growing out my hair, and it’s now just past my shoulders.  I keep looking for more opportunities to travel and expand but somehow stop myself before I allow myself to chance to really look into it.  Being an adult is a lot harder than anyone lead me to believe.  I keep trying to be more adventurous and to get ‘out there’ more but it’s scary and overwhelming. Where does one start? How does one start? How many times can life trip me up and push me over, forcing me to pick myself up and try again before something goes easily for once?

Gaining confidence in myself and caring less about how others perceive me is helping. I suppose I can chalk it up to getting older and wiser. Being comfortable in my skin is getting easier though still a long process. I do keep looking for a relationship but maybe I need to bring more to the table – though my skill set is already pretty extensive maybe the men I want to be attracted to me pass me over because I’m simply not knowledgeable in the right areas? Who knows. But expanding my mind can never be a bad thing.

Regrets are a fickle mistress. I don’t regret many things but then, I feel like I could have done a lot of things differently.
Let’s see what tomorrow brings.

Meager Solace

Frustration, disappointment reign.
Too keen, not keen enough, settling for the kisses that don’t thrill.
The kisses that only offer the comfort of not being alone. Boring kisses.
Men who are more like boys, men who make me feel crazy-bad.
Rejection comes in the form of silence, ignoring.
This is the harshest form – deemed a person not even worth the decency of reason or truth.
Boring kisses are still kisses that offer the solace of not being alone.
A scrap of comfort, a whisper of emotion.
Frustration stems from kisses that don’t sparkle, from hundreds of nights alone.
Disappointment seeps in from never being enough.
For settling for kisses that are available but not particularly wanted.