I am on an online dating site.
Shocking, I know. But when you move to a new city, and know practically no one other than your best friend (Whom you love dearly, but like a sister), it’s a way to start sussing out the potential matches and get a feel for the type of men one might encounter in this strange land.
Now, I’m not new to the online dating scene. I’ve had an account on-and-off with either Plenty of Fish or OKCupid since 2006. And over the last 6 years or so, I’ve met some interesting people, chatting with a few more I never met face to face and yes, encountered many, many trolls.
Recently, the trolls have really started to bother me. Maybe my tolerance level is lowering, or my standards got higher, or maybe, I’m 26 and tired of people being rude, condescending, pushy or piggish.
A few weeks ago, I was messaging back and forth with a guy. He messaged me first, I checked his profile – nothing amazing, nothing to really make him stand out in a crowd but I figured “why not?” and replied.
None of his messages were more than a few lines long (and for a grown man he used way too many exclamation points), and he only talked about hockey – worse, he only talked about the Flames and denounced my love for my Canucks, calling them losers while implying that anyone who is a fan of such a team must also be a loser.
After a few exchanges, I stopped replying. There were no points to converse upon and unless I’m watching the game, I really don’t know the sport/players well enough to talk about it. A day later or so he replies with a message that basically calls me a sore loser (The last message was about how the Bruins robbed the Canucks of our Cup.), to which I reply that while I enjoy hockey, I don’t find it particularly interesting to talk about at length.
He manages to pull a few slightly-less steeped in hockey messages together, but still, I’m not that interested. We seem to clash on many points (I make it no secret I can’t wait to get back to British Columbia, he is an Albertan convert, etc).
Five days pass, I assume the matter has dropped and I will no longer hear from that charming individual. This morning I woke up to a message from him
“I take it you have something against Alberta boys and flames fans what ever bitch”
Now, at no point have I derailed his favourite hockey team, implied he was a sore loser, an excuse-maker, or a sexual object only there for my personal viewing pleasure. The only thing I said that might have been, in some very slight, very minor, probably just me over-thinking it at this point, is that I find hockey boring unless I’m watching the game.
What concerns me, and why I’ve gone so far to write about it is this: What have I done to be considered a bitch?
Did I insult his delicate sensibilities by not being a rabid hockey fan?
Do I remind him of an ex-girlfriend that also didn’t like hockey as much as he so obviously does?
I’m also wondering the answers to my own questions – How does he treat his mother? Would he call her a bitch for not liking the Calgary Flames? Or if she had an opinion that differed in any way from his?
Does he have any close females in his life that he treats the same way? Do they ever call him out on poor or bad behaviour or do they just say “Oh, him. He’s always like that” and let everything slide?
How did he come to the conclusion it was okay to call me a bitch? Is hockey that important to him? Has he built his identity around his chosen hockey team that for me to say hockey isn’t important to me makes him feel like the ground is falling out from underneath him? Have I unknowingly threatened his masculinity by not immediately jumping aboard the Flames bandwagon?
When did it become okay for a guy (I’m hesitant to use the term “man”) to call a woman (I no longer consider myself a “girl”) a bitch, simply because she didn’t respond to an online dating site message?
This incident won’t make me take down my profile. But it’s not the first time this has happened. I have had males who call me all kinds of names – bitch, slut, whore, etc and/or go on a tirade about how I am such things. All because I don’t reply to their witty, eloquent “hey how r u” style messages.
Or I point out something they stated is incorrect, or disagree with their opinion or, after a few exchanges where I’m bored and only replying to be polite or they haven’t left a point upon which to converse, I stop responding altogether.
Men, boys, man-children, males, heed my advice: If you want a lady to like you, be likeable. Have hobbies, be intelligent, make conversation.
Don’t call her a bitch because she doesn’t like your favourite hockey team.