I think I’ve figured it out.
I am afraid of commitment.
This could explain why I hate changing my address on government mail (It’s still my parents’ house, even though I haven’t resided there in about 5 years), why I refuse to get a pet yet, why I have such a hard time with relationships. Why I was so unsure about buying a new vehicle and why it still doesn’t feel real. Why I hate signing leases and get burned out with long-term employment and volunteering with a Scout Troop….
Throughout my childhood and teenage years, I watched the Disney princess movies and read literature which reinforced the fairy-tale romantic love that I desire. Country music also reinforces these notions with their love-story songs and they impart a very fanciful way of thinking I might one day have something even a fraction like the love they sing about.
My relationships have been long-distance, which gave me freedoms to stay known as myself and not as half of something. For a while, I’ve known I would not be happy only being known as half of something and to have my worth based off my significant other.
I am in love with the idea.
The ideal of a relationship – of having someone be there for you, to care about you and to make sure you’re okay. And I quite like the idea of doing the same for someone else. But… I have a feeling theory and reality are very different beasts.
I don’t know how to be a girlfriend. I don’t know what is and what is not acceptable in terms of how often to contact them, how much time to spend with them, when I should or shouldn’t break other plans to be with them, what to discuss, how to act, how to present myself… It’s all a mystery to me.
I use physical acts to show my affection, which apparently I’m not supposed to do/show too early. I’ve never really known what to do in a relationship – except that it gives me pretty much free reign to have a lot of sex with the same person. (Sorry Mum and Dad.)
So dating is foreign to me. I don’t know how much to hold back. I don’t know what to do with this other person who apparently enjoys my company and finds me attractive. Relationships… No wonder I have such a trainwreck history.
Well. Now that’s out in the open.