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Monthly Archives: September 2011

Wandering as Lonely as a Clud.

Internet cookies if you get the reference(s) scattered through this one.

 

Here is the nub and thrust: I’m lonely.

I have friends. I have a “life”. I’m busy.

I don’t have close friends anymore.
Everyone has wandered off in their own direction, which is what happens. We are no longer bound by forced hours together in school, or work, or what have you. We have different life goals, we’re working or going to school all over the place, and having those fill up many hours, often with conflicting schedules.
My Jas been away for too long, and my Rosie has just come back, and my Ellen (I mean this in the best way, C being Ellen) might as well be in Halifax, for how often we talk. My Dave the Laugh has walked away, and now it’s just me…
I also feel isolated from my friends who have kids. I kinda feel like b/c I don’t have any dependants, we’re just too different now. And I don’t really get it.
Just cause I don’t want any, doesn’t mean I can’t tolerate yours. Most of of the time, they’re adorable and sweet.

Maybe I’m retreating too far into myself, maybe I’m not seeing what’s right in front of me.

But dammit, I’m lonely.

 

And I refuse to think I can’t be happy outside of a relationship. I refuse to believe I am not whole unless I’m being half of something. I refuse to think that marriage and children is the purpose of life.
There must be something more than having watermelons and waking up to someone who may or may not resent me for the rest of my life.

Now, not to say I don’t believe in marriage. I do. I have seen very few marriages in my world fail. Most stick it out and make it work. It’s hard work, but I’m sure very worthwhile.

Perhaps it’s the change of seasons, maybe it’s work sucking my soul away. Maybe I just need a change of scenery.

Upheaval

Wow, it’s been a while since I have posted. I aplogise to everyone who’s been disappointed with a lack of posts and/or insight into my little life.

Things have changed!

I moved – which was a dramatic rigamorole, and currently I rent a bachelorette pad. My friend Misty lived in the walk in closet. It’s big enough for a bed and has a bunch of shelving and storage area, so she’s happy with it. I have “partitioned” off part of the living room (I hung some curtains) for my “bedroom”.

Related – Misty has moved back from Ohio!
She was there for 5 years, she got married and then dissolved her marriage (He’s a jerkface) and moved back home!

I am no longer dating one of the most wonderful, smart, kind, handsome men I’ve ever met. Which is sad, but it happens.
If I’m being brutally honest with myself, I know that it wasn’t real, it was hormones and hope.

I am working, I found a really good job with a great company that most people hate… I am hoping that they can find me another position before my contract runs out. I have rent to pay! I don’t want to be unemployed and have to start all over again.

Scouting-wise, I’m going to be far too bloody busy this year.
I’m Scouter Amanda again, and have taken on the badge-component of program for the troop. I want the youth who want their Chief Scouts Award to get them. It’s a lot of work, so why not help them out when and where we can?
Also, our troop is hoping/planning on going on an extended canoe trip this summer, so that will keep us busy with training and planning.

I’m also DAC-Rover (Deputy Area Commissioner – Rover Scouts) for the Greater Victoria Area.
With that, I am starting up the Victoria Rover Roundtable (again. It’s lapsed in past years), as well as creating a new social camp to be held out at Camp Barnard! I’m really excited for it and I hope I can get the support of my peers.

I’m not going to school this year, I am hoping to start paying off my debts before I am forced to go back again. Which it’s looking like I will have to, but an education doesn’t really get you as far as it used to these days.  92% of Americans now have a Bachelor’s Degree. So really, I have a “leg up” over 8% of the workforce. BFD.
Also, I really don’t know what I want in life, what I’m really very good at, what I am looking for in a career or anything. I’m continually lost and I feel like a failure a lot of the time.
I see people around me who are passionate about their work, or a creative outlet or even gaming.
I like to bake? I like to crochet? I like country music?
I really enjoy Scouting, but paid positions are few and far between.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m coasting and can’t help but wonder what happens when the forward momentum runs out…