Internet cookies if you get the reference(s) scattered through this one.
Here is the nub and thrust: I’m lonely.
I have friends. I have a “life”. I’m busy.
I don’t have close friends anymore.
Everyone has wandered off in their own direction, which is what happens. We are no longer bound by forced hours together in school, or work, or what have you. We have different life goals, we’re working or going to school all over the place, and having those fill up many hours, often with conflicting schedules.
My Jas been away for too long, and my Rosie has just come back, and my Ellen (I mean this in the best way, C being Ellen) might as well be in Halifax, for how often we talk. My Dave the Laugh has walked away, and now it’s just me…
I also feel isolated from my friends who have kids. I kinda feel like b/c I don’t have any dependants, we’re just too different now. And I don’t really get it.
Just cause I don’t want any, doesn’t mean I can’t tolerate yours. Most of of the time, they’re adorable and sweet.
Maybe I’m retreating too far into myself, maybe I’m not seeing what’s right in front of me.
But dammit, I’m lonely.
And I refuse to think I can’t be happy outside of a relationship. I refuse to believe I am not whole unless I’m being half of something. I refuse to think that marriage and children is the purpose of life.
There must be something more than having watermelons and waking up to someone who may or may not resent me for the rest of my life.
Now, not to say I don’t believe in marriage. I do. I have seen very few marriages in my world fail. Most stick it out and make it work. It’s hard work, but I’m sure very worthwhile.
Perhaps it’s the change of seasons, maybe it’s work sucking my soul away. Maybe I just need a change of scenery.