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Monthly Archives: February 2011

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I’m a grown up.

With the passing of my birthday recently (Which we will not discuss), I’ve realised I’m in my mid-20s. This is strange to me. I never thought I’d make it out of high school alive.

So here I am, in my mid-twenties. I’m a college student, who, after five years of trying various courses and changing majors and programs a couple times, has finally settled on an education path. (For now. I will probably change again.) I’m going to be transferring to a new school in the autumn and I’m excited, though approaching with trepidation. It’s a very large school, and I am just one person, afterall.

I’m also applying for jobs like crazy. And writing a lot of cover letters to go with my résumé. With writing all these cover letters, I have a) gotten better at writing them and b) realised I have the training and experience to go for higher level jobs.
And that I can be a manager, supervisor, etc. Because I’ve done it before.

I have “Been there, done that” for serious.

Ack.

Growing up is strange.
I know I have much more growing to do, and in the past few months I’ve gone from a shoo-in for a crazy cat/dog lady to having a relationship. I’ve also realised I want kids, but am scared beyond words at the actual prospect of them. I still want to adopt/foster rather than spawn my own.

I find I’m able to think about consequences, I’m trying to be less petty, trying to be more level-headed. In some respects, this is easy. In others… not so much.

This growing up and being an adult is strange. I do really enjoy making my own decisions, but I wish I didn’t have to pay rent. If I want to have a “undies and Tshirt Sunday” I totally can! I can have a bagel and cream cheese for dinner because I don’t feel like cooking.But then I have to pay bills.
Why can’t I be independently wealthy?! Sigh.

I suppose my consolation is that I am a pretty good person, I was did done raised right, y’all. I’ve grown to be a well-adjusted, productive member of society.
Yet, I still have fun, and plan on doing so for many years to come. (And I am ever so glad I’m done with the drama of adolescence. Thank the Good Lord for that!)

 

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Photo Challenge: Part 2

I’m avoiding writing some papers (One is an essay on how James Joyce and T.S. Eliot depict women with distaste in a specific work of theirs) and the other is getting started on my paper about Heart of Darkness. Which I’ve already read and will have to read again. sigh.) So I’m going to post the second installment of the 30-photo challenge!

Picture 5: A Picture of your favourite memory

I already posted about my favourite memory here ( https://blonderover.wordpress.com/2011/01/16/wander-on-down-memory-lane/) so I won’t go over it again.

Picture 6: A person you’d like to trade places with for a day

WARNING: PROBABLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK

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Burlesque Queen=========================================================================
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Okay, it’s safe to look now.

I really love burlesque – the costumes, the gaiety, the dancing, the glamour… and then there is the ladies’ confidence! Like, really, you really gotta love yourself to be able to strip down to your skivvies while prancing around solo or with a couple other ladies on stage in front of strangers.

Plus Ms Dita von Teese is GORGEOUS and glamourous and I envy her shoe and corset collection.

Picture 7: A picture of your most treasured item

 

Precious Memories

Grandma's second wedding set

I don’t remember Grandma wearing these rings. She may have taken them off a few years after Bud died. (Bud was her second husband, not my Dad’s father. He died when I was quite young, I think 9)

These mean a lot to me. I’m technically supposed to separate them (the bands are welded together), but I won’t. I’ve had to have the shanks repaired twice in the 5 years I’ve had them. The last jeweler was kind enough to try to build up the weld a little so they’ll hold longer. The bands are very well-worn, these rings are very similar to a set my Mum has, which she inherited from her grandmother and those rings are about 80 years old…
I wear these rings constantly. I feel naked without them. They reside on my right hand, with the engagement ring closest to the base of the finger (Reversed from the wedding ring on bottom). I think they may ‘scare’ off boys from approaching, but I don’t really care. (Besides, at this point, I’m dating someone.)

St Christopher Protect Us

Dad's Medallion

 

This is my other, equally treasured item.
On my 17th birthday, maybe the day after, I was sitting on the couch, Dad was in the recliner and the news was on. During a commercial break, he took off his medallion (I’d never seen him without it) and handed it to me. Said “Happy Birthday”. I was dumbstruck, managed a “thank you, Daddy” and put it on. I wore it on my overseas trip to the Uk that summer, and at the of the same summer, we had a party for Grandma’s birthday (G-ma of the rings) and I took it off, put it away b/c there were a bunch of kids who kept climbing on my and pulling on it. I went to put it back on that night and couldn’t find it. I searched high and low, anywhere and everywhere for weeks. Couldn’t find it. Was sorely disappointed in myself for ages.

Mum was cleaning the top of the fridge about a year and a half ago and found it. It had gotten pushed back where I couldn’t see or reach it in my searches. I also feel naked without it on.

 

Alright, I should get back to my homework… it’s due Tuesday and I’m 1/3rd done… take care.

Photo Challenge: Part 1

I’ve got a couple of friends doing the 30-day photo challenge (Facebook) and a couple more doing a project 365, too.
I don’t want to/ I won’t remember to post a picture a day for a month or year. So, I’m going to do the 30-photo challenge. I’ll make a couple posts with several pictures, following the guidelines for the challenge!

Picture 1: A photo of yourself with ten facts

SO FLIPPIN' COLD!

I'm the blondie in the middle. We thought we were going to freeze to death by morning. We managed to survive.

1 – I don’t use my legal first name
2- I still sleep with a teddybear most nights
3- My favourite colours are blue, green and purple.
4- Scouting has shaped me to be the person I am today, and I think I turned out pretty good
5 – I wish my hair would grow out faster, I miss my long-long-long hair
6- My family is not close.
7- I name my vehicles, ipods/phones, whatever can be named.
8- I struggle with the question of “Do I want kids? Do I want my own kids?”
9- My room is inherently messy, I go through cycles of messy/I’ve cleaned it, it took all day, it’s staying clean!
10- My Daddy is my hero.

Picture 2: A picture of yourself and the person you’ve been closest with the longest

My Daddy and wee me

This is my Dad, circa 1988/89. I’m rocking the baby mullet, so I must be only a year or two here. Dad looks largely the same these days. More grey, which always surprises me when I notice how light his hair’s gotten. (And he doesn’t need glasses anymore, he did done got his eyes fixed.)

Picture 3: A picture of the cast from your favourite show

Attention all personnel. Due to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today.

The Good Ol' Gang

M*A*S*H. The 4077th seemed like a second home to me as a teenager. I’d come home from school just in time to catch the hour of MASH before I had to make dinner. A couple of my friends are having MASHathons currently, watching the whole series from start to finish. We joked about skipping a camp we were all attending last weekend (Feb 18-20) and creating a MASHcave (like a mancave) and doing nothing but watching MASH.

Picture 4: A picture of your night.

 

"Let them eat cake" wasn't actually said by MA, someone else said it a hundred years before. Ain't history great?

Publicity photos for the Cast of Marie Antoinette: The Colour of Flesh

I’m doing backstage work for the Urban Arts Productions showing of Marie Antoinette: The Colour of Flesh. It’s quite good. Last night was the final dress rehearsal and tonight we open!

 

So that’s 4/30. Check back soon!

Just the Girl I’m Lookin’ For

Oh Click Five. You’re so deliciously 90s boy-band-esque, it’s amasing.

I’m going to come out and say it: I like pop music.

But most of my pop comes from the 90s, becuase the 90s are amasing. Or are pulled from the few good songs I heard while working at the gap. They play a lot of indie, but also a lot of American pop that we wouldn’t get up here on the radio. Like Bowling For Soup

though the first time I heard this song was at the Parksville Bowling Alley. My friend Sam and I jammed out to it, even though we had no idea what the song was. Then my bestie Emily was looking for songs about “emily” (Admit, you’ve searched for songs that bear your name, too) and found another BFS song a couple years later.
And then I started getting into them, from remembering 1985 and Emily. And they’ve been a staple in my music library since.

Barenaked Ladies are one of my all-time favourite bands, too. So much good music over so many wonderful years. They make music that is so relateable. All I want to do is sing and dance along. They’re also super great in concert!
Light Up My Room is amasing. I didn’t get it when I was younger, but now there is something so pleasantly haunting about it. It sounds like home to me. (Even though my home was nothing like anything in the song. It just….. works.)

The Trews… Oh man. The Trews.
I kinda liked them around 2005/06, and then my friend, Em got us tickets to see them live at the Queen’s – one of the better live venues in Nanaimo. It’s a small club with a stage and crappy service and expensive drinks and a high cover. But sometimes you get decent shows, like the Trews. So, I was 19 and stoked on the show, but couldn’t remember what songs they played on the radio, so I looked them up online and was like “OMG. I love their stuff! This is gonna be AMASING!” (I was 19, gimma a break)

And the concert WAS good. The band walked through the crowd. They passed right beside me. I could have touched them. And later, I was up by the stage and could have, if I was a big enough creeper, could have reached up to molest Colin. (Needless to say, I didn’t. I was a prude back then. I still wouldn’t now though.)

One of my biggest regrets in my clubbing experience was not going up on stage to try to stumble thorugh “Poor Ol’ Broken Hearted Me”  – the lead singer, Colin, was sick and invited anyone in the crowd to come up and sing, but I didn’t know the words well enough. I mostly knew the chorus at that point. Ah well. The hardcore fangirl next to me didn’t go up either.

Sing Your Heart Out is also an amasing song. It just feels good to listen to. It’s also a GREAT song to belt out in the truck. And I mean BELT OUT. I’m sure the cars around me at stop signs turn their own music up to drown me out….

I suppose The Trews are less pop and more rock, sometimes nearing folk-rock. But Still AWESOME.

Oh yeah, Happy Anna Howard Shaw day! Other reasons to celebrate: The patent of the Telephone went to Mr A. G. Bell, the execution of Captin Cook by Hawai’ian natives and the bombing of Dresden.
My friend is having a German bomber-party with snitzchel, goldschlagger, jaggermeister and various other German things, whilst running around with pots on heads and yelling things in German.
I’m jealous I can’t be there.

Gettin’ It Together

One of my biggest frustrations with myself is that I am not active.

Years ago, in high school, it was SO damn easy to be active. Gym class was mandated until grade 10. I also played rugby and was on the wrestling team. Between the HARDCORE workouts in wrestling and the mass amounts of cardio in Rugby (I ran up and down the field a lot as a blind-side winger) I was a skinny thing. Never realised it until I found some pictures from grade 11 new years a while ago with Courteney.
Also, my friends were still more shapely and thin, so I felt like a fatty anyway.
(I love my friends, and my besties Em and Court were model-worthy from like, grade 10 onwards. It ain’t fair.)

Then, of course, I graduated. And stopped running laps around a field or doing 60 crunches and 40 push-ups as a warm up to the workout.

Now, I haven’t changed a whole lot size-wise. Well, maybe I have, but I didn’t really realise it. I wore a medium shirt in high school. I wear medium still, though now that I’ve got a rack (finally grew in during college), I like larges for the breathing space.
I wore size 8 pants then. I think I’m a 6 now. (These jeans say a 27, which in Gap means a 4, but gap runs a different size than everywhere else.)
As I mentioned, I did grow some in the bust area. I was a hopeful B-cup in high school. As in, I really hoped I would fill my B-cup. Now I’m spilling out of a D. (UGH) My band size has changed from a 36 to a 32/34.

So I don’t feel like I’ve changed much. I also still fit very easily into the dress I wore to Commencement.

But I’m inactive. I’m lazy. I am inherently lazy. It’s BAD. I make myself cringe with how lazy I can be.
I’m currently in a pole-dancing class, which I’ve done before, a couple years ago. It’s fun. This class is also a beginners level, but somehow more advanced than the classes I took last time. I’m getting better at pole-climbs, which means I’m getting some strength back.
(Oh yeah, I also used to be wicked strong. I had BICEPS! now, they are sad little imitations.)

But the class wraps up next week leaving this hour-long hole on my Monday nights.
But they offer another session in March! The studio also offers some other classes, like cardio and some boot camps.
and man oh, man, am I ever tempted to register myself in a boot camp.
I feel fat and lazy a lot these days. It’s not a nice feeling.
Boot camp would mean hauling my lazy, not-keen-on-mornings butt up early three times a week for six weeks. But it would probably be worth it.
It would be more a quick-fix rather than a long-term solution, I know. It could also be a great place to get a jump-start into something more long-lasting though perhaps not as intense.

I also want to start biking to school and possibly other places, too. I first need a bike. I have to look into my magical budget for that.

So, in my quest for making myself happy with me, I’ve discovered I used to like my hectic crazy, “I’m doing something all the time, every day for the next 4 months, so if you want to do anything with me, you have to book now” life. And how damn active I used to be.

Response

My friend left a comment that’s made me think. And instead of leaving her a massive reply comment, I thought I’d share it. It’s worth it.

Can I ask a silly question? Since you can’t answer I’m gonna go ahead and do it.

At the top of your blog it says ‘making myself happy with me’ but everything you write about is concerned with changing yourself, more specifically your outward appearance. To me these seem like contradictory ideas. I’m all for being healthy, but you’re forcing yourself to not eat things you enjoy in order to lose weight, and once your challenge is up and you want to eat cheese again your body will then gain back some of that weight and you’ll be unhappy again. Wouldn’t a better goal be to learn to be satisfied with yourself AS IS? Like I said, being healthy and strong is great, but if your self worth is based on your waist measurement maybe you should spend some of your energy finding out why you feel you have to be skinny to be acceptable.

I hope I haven’t offended, I really didn’t mean to if I did, I just want to make sure you’re doing all this for the right reasons.

She’s right.

I should learn to like me as is. And for the most part, I do.

I really just want my clothes to fit better, and to not look like I’m several months pregnant.
I have come to understand and accept on some level that I will never have a flat, taut midsection.

As for the veggie thing, it’s something new. Like I said in the post, I don’t know how long it’ll stick around. I “slipped” in December, it was easier and more convienent. Plus I LOVE turkey and I only get it at Thanksgiving and Christmas. And the dairy-dropping is something to try. I do love me some milk, but I also don’t eat cereal or drink it every day. More than once I’ve had to toss a half-full jug (I usually get the 2L) b/c it turned off weeks ago and I didn’t drink it. So it’s not the biggest deal ever.

I’m not offended. She raises a valid argument. I’m just… I don’t know.
I guess the media/society has placed a higher value on the hourglass-and-flat-middle bodfy ideal and I’ve become “one of them”.  And it was a goal of mine to drop the weight. Not to be “Finally. I’m a this size and therefore my world is complete” more for a challenge and acheivement.

I know my body won’t stay at a smaller size without a lot of dedication, which frankly, I lack when it comes to self-care. I don’t want to find the time to spend hours at the gym or ruining my knees running on pavement in the city.

“Making myself happy with me” was aimed more at trying to get past my roadblocks of not feeling good enough due to never being good enough for my Mum growing up, as she never had a kind word for me, only reprimands and criticism. which is pretty damaging. I wrote that one post about it, I should think about revisiting that.
For years I never felt good enough, and in a lot of respects, I still don’t. I don’t think I’m worth exploring to find the gold and diamonds.
This is probably why I’m so nervous about job interviews.

So, while I can’t promise more uplifting posts about how pleased I am with myself, I will keep some more clearly defined goals in my head.

I Challenge Thee!

Not to a duel though. I’m not so keen on the guns or having to kill  someone. It just seems silly.

No, my challenge is to me. And you, dear reader, if you so choose to participate.

I will refrain from carbonated drinks for the whole of this month.

Apparently pop/fizzy drinks create a lot of bloating and stuff. So, I’mma  see if the cut of sugar/fizz intake helps anything. I will miss gingerale. :/

I’m still veggie, though I don’t know if it’s habit yet. It’s something I really have to think about all the time. So we’ll see how long it stays around.

And at some point (probably april/may) I’m going to work at cutting dairy out of my diet. I will miss milk and cheese, but it also apparently helps shed weight. For now, I’ll keep the proteins. 🙂 (And really, it’s always nice to have the dress you’re wearing to a friend’s wedding be a little looser than it was the last time you tried it on)