The hardest part of growing up is not only that it is a never-ending progression but learning to shoulder your disappointments.
Apparently it’s frowned upon at the age of 27 to throw tantrums when life doesn’t play nicely with our plans. Nor can you cry in public without shame, or hold your breath until your mother forces you to breathe again. (I cried and yelled, I don’t know what other children did.)
So when faced with two pretty huge disappointments this week, I have shed three tears into my hoodie sleeve, all three unbidden and sneaky. My face still feels hot, like a blush that refuses to go away. I am sad, hurt and frustrated. I am deeply disappointed. I feel disheartened. There are a lot of questions circling around in my mind and I am hoping the answers will be found in a timely manner.
One of the worst experiences is a trusted person who promises one thing, generously with generous terms. Then, not quite two weeks later entirely renegotiates their promise and leaves you in the lurch. Given how much respect and care I have put into this relationship only to have it handed back like a slimy sea slug, with none of the same considerations, I am disheartened though unsurprised. Should have made the first move long ago but one falls into the habit of comfort. At least I won’t have cat hair all over everything forever in a few months.
So, I am on the hunt and trying to be the better person. Trying to find the silver linings and make the best of what’s come my way. Might have a self-pity party if I stumble, but we chose our reactions. My choice is to not wallow and be negative – it’s the easy choice and I fall too easily into self-pity and want validation of my negative reactions. Though the harder choice, it will be more rewarding to see this as a positive situation, something to look forward to.
Maybe I’ll even get to decorate my new place with some souvenirs from the trip that I’m (HOPING to) taking with my new honey.